Hey! Wait Up!

I was running on the trail Tuesday.  I felt like I had a good pace going and was in the zone, when a little girl, who couldn't have been older than 7 or 8, zoomed past me.  As I watched her little legs speed ahead of me, I actually thought 'Hey! Wait up! Don't leave me here in the dust!'


And, then, it hit me.


It was like my life metaphor was played right before my eyes.


Here I am trucking along on the trail of life, while everyone else is zooming past me starting families of their own.


Every one keeps telling me, 'But, you're so young.  You still have time.'  


Yet, I kid you not, my facebook newsfeed is filled with baby story after baby story.


How come I am so young?  And, their time is now.


It doesn't really seem fair.


So, I am going to need all of the hares out there to stop and take their nap now, because this little tortoise needs a chance to catch up.

Like Pickle Juice On A Cookie

I was in the library with my class on Friday perusing the Bluebonnet book section and came across this book.

I opened to the first page and read:

Chapter One

I had a bad August.

A very bad August.

As bad as pickle juice on a cookie.

As bad as a spiderweb on your leg.

As bad as the black parts of a banana.

I hope your August was better.

I really do.

I often think authors were thinking of me while penning their masterpieces and this time was no different. I could have written those words, except mine would have said:

I have had a bad September.

A very bad September.

As bad as turning on your car in the morning to an empty gas tank.

As bad as stubbing your toe on a stool.

As bad as realizing your recorded show is a rerun.

I hope your September has been better.

I really do. 

The thing that makes me sad is that I feel like this is becoming a theme for my life.  

I used to think of myself as an optimistic, cheery individual.  I am having a hard time finding that Katie.  

I now feel jaded and defeated.

The other day one of my friends told me about a church sermon that made her think of TL and I.  She said it was about how God gives us hard times to test us and that in the end we will be rewarded for passing the test.  She said that she believes we must have a big reward coming because we have been through so much lately.

I am glad she is so optimistic.

The new, pessimistic me thought, 'I must be failing that test.'

I need a happy intervention.

Like Pickle Juice On A Cookie has a happy ending.

I hope my September does.

I really do.

What do you do when you are struggling to look on the bright side?  How do you turn it around?

Also, it was kind of fun coming up with my "as bad as".  What would yours be?

Every Damn Day.

On November 1, 2011 I started my very first 21 day challenge.  Prior to the challenge, I was frustrated with months of not getting pregnant and started to wonder if my weight had anything to do with it.  I knew my obsessive personality needed something other than getting pregnant to obsess about.  Losing weight seemed like a healthy alternative.

I had read somewhere that it takes 21 days to make/break a habit and, so, the 21 day challenge was born.

21 days of working out every day for at least 30 minutes.
21 days of tracking every SINGLE thing that I put in my mouth.
21 days of no alcohol or soda.

Surprise. Surprise.  It worked.

In 21 days, I lost 6 pounds. 6 pounds that jump started my weight loss and motivation.

I also made healthy habits.  

For six months, I continued to work out at least 5-6 days a week. I even trained for and ran a 10 mile race.  For six months, I continued to track what I ate.  While I did reintroduce alcohol, I didn't over-indulge and I would ALWAYS track it.

By April 2012, I was down 20 pounds total.  

But, then, something else happened in April.

I called to make my first infertility appointment.

Over the course of the past 5 months, my habits have been broken.

After my IUIs I was so scared to run because of cramping, that I eventually just stopped.  Unfortunately, I never really picked it back up after the two week waits were over.

Visits from the Bloody Baron would result in comforting food and beer and wine.  Hi, my name is Katie, and I am an emotional eater.

I now have 3-5 pounds (depending on the day) to show for it and I can barely run 3 miles.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow I will start a new 21 day challenge.

Raise your water glass to healthy habit making. 

Cheers!

Are You There God? It's Me, Katie.

I am having a hard time having faith in God's greater plan this week.

It feels like TL and I can't catch a break.

The week started out with TL and I having a conversation about what our next steps will be with our baby making.  Our month long break is coming to an end and I can feel the anxiety creeping back in.  When I think about scheduling doctor's appointments, my stomach churns.  TL must be feeling the same way because he finally confessed that sometimes he wonders if we should take a longer break from the doctors to see if we can get pregnant again naturally.

This scares me.

I am not ready to give up.

I am not ready to wait/waste years for the possibility of getting pregnant.

I want to be pregnant now.  Is that so wrong?

One of the main reasons we took a break this past month was financial.  We were not financially prepared for infertility.

We needed this month to catch up.

Little did we know our poor Sweet Pea would become incredibly ill.

On Tuesday, Tyler took Sweet Pea to the vet after days of being lethargic and not acting herself.  We thought it was another bout of her immune mediated poly-arthritis, which is why we didn't take her sooner.  The vet diagnosed her with immune mediated hemolytic anemia.  Basically, her immune system has been attacking her red blood cells.  Her red blood cell count was at 6% (normal is 35%).  They told us that if she didn't have a blood transfusion that night, she would die.

$1200 and three blood transfusions later, we are in a waiting game to see if the medicine will stop her immune system from attacking her blood.

Every morning we take her to get her levels checked.

Every morning we prepare ourselves that this could be our last day with her.

So, I ask, are you there God?

Because I am really starting to wonder.

WE WERE ON A BREAK!

I know, Ross.  I know.

Here's the thing I'm figuring out...you can never really be "on a break" when it comes to infertility.

Yes, you can take a break from the doctor's appointments and the temperature taking, but, the yearning and the hope that this will be the month doesn't go away just because you are calling this month "a break".  

Sad to say.

I realized this fact yesterday when I caught myself counting out my cycle days.  I was actually trying to figure out when I could potentially be ovulating.  

Why would I do this to myself whilst on a break?  Call me a glutton for punishment. 

I know there is such a slim chance we'll get pregnant naturally, but I still find myself secretly wishing we will be surprised with a late period this month.  I mean heck, it happened before.  It could happen again.  Right?  

After all, every one says that when you stop thinking about it and stop "trying" is when you get pregnant.

So, I will continue to live in denial that I am "on a break" and continue to tell myself  we are not "trying".  Because, frankly, denial is a hell of a drug and I'm Rick James, Bitch!

JK.  I couldn't resist.

Looking On the Bright Side

The Bloody Baron came for a visit today.

TL and I decided if our IUIs didn't result in a positive pregnancy test this cycle, we would take a month break from baby making.  We need a month to crawl out of the hole of debt we have dug ourselves in these past couple of months.

I saw this on Pinterest today.

A lot of days I feel like this.  

Today, I am going to try to be positive. 

Bright Sides of Taking a Month Break:

• I don't have to worry about scheduling appointments and how it will interfere with my work schedule.
• I am not going to take my temperature for a whole month.  I know.  I am such a rebel.
• I can have a beer, a glass of wine, a margarita, or a Texas Martini. Or two.  Or three.
• I can really focus on dieting again.  While dieting isn't fun, it would be nice to lose another 10 pounds.
• I can run again!!!!  I never thought I would say this, but I've missed running so much!

PS-I really wanted to call this post Fuck Third Time's the Charm but felt that it didn't exactly go with my whole trying to be positive vibe.  The sentiment is there, though.

When Reality Slaps You Across The Face

When I was 21 months old, I slipped between the sofa cushions while standing on the couch, fell forward and hit my head on the coffee table.  Apparently, I was a bloody mess(I still have the scar to prove it).  My dad said that my mom went crazy and was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.  He said that he had no choice but to slap her across the face to bring her back to reality.  

This morning  I woke to my "take your temperature" alarm and sleepily popped the thermometer in my mouth like I do every day.  But, today, reality slapped me across the face when I read the temperature. 

96.8 degrees.  A significant drop.

Past experience has taught me that when my temperature drops the Bloody Baron will be here to visit me within the next couple of days.

Back to life.  Back to reality.