Thank You Nana

The people we have loved and lost have ways to let us know they are with us.  One of the ways my Nana lets me know is with butterflies. 


In the waiting room today, as I was praying, I ended by asking my Nana to be there with me during the procedure.


When I walked into the exam room, TL exclaimed, "Look at the ceiling."


I looked up and this is what I saw.

I know she was there.

Big Girls Do Cry

I wish I had a stronger pain tolerance.  I really do.

My doctor says that some women are “blessed” with more nerve endings, which can make procedures like IUI more painful.  I am not quite sure blessed is the appropriate word.

Today was terrible. TERRIBLE!

I should have known when the minutes in the waiting room turned into an hour and a half that it was not going to be the smooth and easy procedure I had hoped and prayed for.

Unfortunately, Dr. B was out of town so we had to have a substitute doctor.  She came in, introduced herself, and apologized for the wait.  She explained that she does things a little different than Dr. B and that she would not be leaving the speculum in for 15 minutes after because she believes that it is just painful and there is no reason for it to be there.  I agreed that the less pain, the better.

She inserted the speculum and said, “Oh, your cervix is very narrow. I am going to have to get something to hold it in place.” Great!

She begins to fish around for my cervix (at least that’s what it felt like), while telling me to take deep breaths.  Not easy to do when you are on edge and in pain.

Then the catheter insertion began….

PAIN.

INTENSE PAIN.

I squeezed on to Tyler’s hand and tried to hold back the tears.

It wasn’t over.

In the middle of me trying to get through the pain. POP!

I am not quite sure what happened.  I don’t know if the doctor even knows.  All we know is that the pop resulted in sperm squirting in the doctor’s face.  Am I secretly on some reality show that I am not aware of?  SERIOUSLY?

So, on top of the fact that TL’s sperm count was the lowest it has been so far, only half of it made it in.

The doctor left me in pain, bleeding, and defeated so she could go wash her face.

And then the tears started. 

I couldn’t help it.  The weight of everything came crashing down.

Why does it have to be this complicated?  Why does it have to hurt this bad?  Making the baby is supposed to be the fun part.  The labor is supposed to be the painful, hard part, which results in a beautiful baby. Why can’t I just be normal and get pregnant like a normal person?

I cried and TL held my hand.

Finally TL handed me a tissue to wipe my tears and gave me a good dose of comic relief exclaiming, “I have never squirted in a girl’s face before.”

I love him.

And So The Blogging Journey Begins

Thanks to some MKV inspiration, I have decided to start a blog chronicling the roller coaster ride that is infertility.   

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now after I miscarried our first pregnancy.  At the year mark of the miscarriage, we decided it was time to visit a fertility specialist where we discovered that I have low progesterone and cervical mucus that creates a hostile living environment for sperm.  

Awesome.  

We did our first round of IUI last month, which was unsuccessful.  

During the two week wait, I literally felt like I was trapped in my own mind.  

I felt crazier than normal (and on a normal day I am pretty crazy).  My mom reminded me that our friend MKV had started a blog as a place to put all of her crazy thoughts during her struggle with infertility.  

It sounded great for the release, 

and as a way to keep people updated without the emotional strain of having to repeat the news 

over 

and over 

again.

And, so, it begins... (again)...

I had my ultrasound this morning to check follicle size in preparation for our second round of IUIs.   Usually the ultrasound tech talks aloud and tells me what she is doing and says things like, "this one is measuring at 11" or "you have quite a few follicles on this ovary".  Today I had a new ultrasound tech and she didn't say anything.  My crazy thoughts started to kick in.  Is something wrong?  I didn't see any follicles... do I even have any?  Fortunately, the nurse came in and said, "Good news, you have a big ole follicle!"  So, I have a "big ole" follicle measuring at 21 mm which is huge compared to last month's 12 mm and 13 mm follicles.  Dr. B is also really pleased with my lining which is 8 compared to last month's 4.  The nurse gave me the HCG trigger shot today and we will do the IUI tomorrow and Wednesday morning.  

I have a really great feeling about this month.

 I am Calling All Angels.  

Calling all angels to help me survive the emotional roller coaster.  

Calling all angels to help me keep my faith.  

Calling all angels to bless us with a baby.