Big Girls Do Cry

I wish I had a stronger pain tolerance.  I really do.

My doctor says that some women are “blessed” with more nerve endings, which can make procedures like IUI more painful.  I am not quite sure blessed is the appropriate word.

Today was terrible. TERRIBLE!

I should have known when the minutes in the waiting room turned into an hour and a half that it was not going to be the smooth and easy procedure I had hoped and prayed for.

Unfortunately, Dr. B was out of town so we had to have a substitute doctor.  She came in, introduced herself, and apologized for the wait.  She explained that she does things a little different than Dr. B and that she would not be leaving the speculum in for 15 minutes after because she believes that it is just painful and there is no reason for it to be there.  I agreed that the less pain, the better.

She inserted the speculum and said, “Oh, your cervix is very narrow. I am going to have to get something to hold it in place.” Great!

She begins to fish around for my cervix (at least that’s what it felt like), while telling me to take deep breaths.  Not easy to do when you are on edge and in pain.

Then the catheter insertion began….

PAIN.

INTENSE PAIN.

I squeezed on to Tyler’s hand and tried to hold back the tears.

It wasn’t over.

In the middle of me trying to get through the pain. POP!

I am not quite sure what happened.  I don’t know if the doctor even knows.  All we know is that the pop resulted in sperm squirting in the doctor’s face.  Am I secretly on some reality show that I am not aware of?  SERIOUSLY?

So, on top of the fact that TL’s sperm count was the lowest it has been so far, only half of it made it in.

The doctor left me in pain, bleeding, and defeated so she could go wash her face.

And then the tears started. 

I couldn’t help it.  The weight of everything came crashing down.

Why does it have to be this complicated?  Why does it have to hurt this bad?  Making the baby is supposed to be the fun part.  The labor is supposed to be the painful, hard part, which results in a beautiful baby. Why can’t I just be normal and get pregnant like a normal person?

I cried and TL held my hand.

Finally TL handed me a tissue to wipe my tears and gave me a good dose of comic relief exclaiming, “I have never squirted in a girl’s face before.”

I love him.