Cheating and It Feels So Good

It's official.

I am cheating on Dr. B.

This morning I had an appointment at a different fertility specialist's office…

 and…

 I loved it!

Since it was my first visit with Nurse Practitioner J (Dr. S didn't have an appointment until September so I met with the nurse practitioner today), I had to answer a lot of questions and tell her all about my infertility history. After all of the questions were answered and all of the history had been shared, she asked me if I was feeling pretty frustrated.  I tried to form the words to say yes. But instead my lips started to quiver, and my eyes filled with tears. And, before I knew it, I was crying right in front of her.

On my first visit.

I immediately and repeatedly apologized.

She handed me a box of tissues and told me not to apologize. That everyone struggling with infertility should have at least one meltdown.  If not, they just don’t want it bad enough.   I guess I am good because I don’t know if I could count my meltdowns at this point.

With flutters of hope in my heart, that finally, someone understands, I proceeded to tell her about my appointment with Dr. B.  The one when she issued my infertility prison sentence of a year and half.   I told NPJ that the first thing I did after leaving Dr. B’s office that day was call to get an appointment with her.  

NPJ assured me that it would NOT take a year and a half to get me pregnant.

Praise God! Praise God for encouragement. Praise God for positive energy.

Here is NPJ’s suggested plan of action. Do three rounds of IUIs while taking femara.  If within 3 rounds, I am not pregnant, then have a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.

I like her plan of action! Consider this my new plan of action!

After sharing her proposed plan of action, she asked if I’ve had any ovulation monitoring ultrasounds done. I wanted to say, “Why, yes.  I am becoming quite the stirrup slut.”  Instead, I laughed and said that I’ve already had two this week.

NPJ responded, “Well, let’s do one just for kicks.”

I am so glad we did because yesterday it looked like this might not be a good month for IUIs because my follicle was only measuring at 16 mm.  But, when NPJ moved over to my right ovary she exclaimed, “Hello big follicle!  Have you been cramping because you are about to drop an egg?!”

So, with my follicle at 20.1 mm and my lining at 9mm, I will administer the trigger shot tonight and do the IUIs already scheduled for Friday and Saturday morning with Dr. B. It looks like the timing is perfect.  

Then it is so long to Dr. B.  I wish I could say it has been fun...but...well, that would be a lie.  

And, cheating and lying in one day… that is just too much.

Sorry I'm Not Sorry

Please Don't...

Sometimes I wish I had a brochure that I could give to people to read before they talk to me about my infertility.  I know people mean well but there are certain things that should NOT be said. At least not to me.  

Please don't...

Tell me that I am young and have time to have kids.

Yes, I am 27.  TL and I have been married for 3 1/2 years.  We own a house.  We both have good jobs.    I would say that it is a perfectly appropriate time in our lives to want children.  And, being young doesn't change the fact that we have wanted a baby for over a year now.

Ask, "If it doesn't work, are you going to adopt?"

If it doesn't work?  

If. It. Doesn't. Work. 

Thank you for verbalizing my biggest fear.

Tell me about your friend, cousin, sister in law that did IVFs, IUIs, etc. and never got pregnant.

Honestly, are you on drugs?  Do you think I want to hear this?

And, please, for the love of God...

Do NOT tell me to relax and try not to think about it.

How am I supposed to not think about it when I have to wake up at 6:35 every morning to take my temperature?

How am I supposed to not think about it when I have three doctor's appointments in one week to check follicle size?

How am I supposed to not think about it when I have my legs up in stirrups and they are inseminating TL's sperm through a catheter?

How am I supposed to not think about it when I have to take a progesterone supplement three times a day?

How am I supposed to not think about it when every time I go to the bathroom I am worried what I might see?

How am I supposed to not think about it when a negative pregnancy test only means that I have to do this all over again?

Please hug me.  

Please tell me that you are sorry.

Please tell me that you will pray for me.

Letter From Management

Dear Left Ovary,
It has been brought to our attention that you have been slacking on the job.  According to our records it was your turn to ovulate this month.  And, yet, you have no follicles to show.


Right Ovary did her job last month.  She produced a big ole follicle.  This month it was your responsibility.  


Right Ovary is trying to pick up your slack.  But, 14 mm just won't cut it.


We would appreciate you doing better in the future.


Sincerely,
Baby Making Management

Kicking and Screaming

Dr. B came into our appointment today and said that she wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

"I just want you to prepare yourself that this could take about a year and a half," she said.

I just stared at her. 

I don't want to be on that page.

Come to think of it, I don't want to be in this book.

A year and a half.

A year and a half.

I don't think I can do this for a year and a half.

I don't think I can handle the ultrasounds, IUIs, progesterone pill popping, lab visits, early morning temperature taking, credit card swipes,  two week waits, and the "So...how are you doing?" conversations for a year and a half.

I will do it. 

I will. But, I want it to be known that I am going kicking and screaming down this year and a half tunnel.

I hope and pray that I come out of it sane and with a baby in my arms.  

Until then, the kicking and screaming shall commence.

Dust Yourself Off and Try Again

Need I say more?