WE WERE ON A BREAK!

I know, Ross.  I know.

Here's the thing I'm figuring out...you can never really be "on a break" when it comes to infertility.

Yes, you can take a break from the doctor's appointments and the temperature taking, but, the yearning and the hope that this will be the month doesn't go away just because you are calling this month "a break".  

Sad to say.

I realized this fact yesterday when I caught myself counting out my cycle days.  I was actually trying to figure out when I could potentially be ovulating.  

Why would I do this to myself whilst on a break?  Call me a glutton for punishment. 

I know there is such a slim chance we'll get pregnant naturally, but I still find myself secretly wishing we will be surprised with a late period this month.  I mean heck, it happened before.  It could happen again.  Right?  

After all, every one says that when you stop thinking about it and stop "trying" is when you get pregnant.

So, I will continue to live in denial that I am "on a break" and continue to tell myself  we are not "trying".  Because, frankly, denial is a hell of a drug and I'm Rick James, Bitch!

JK.  I couldn't resist.

Looking On the Bright Side

The Bloody Baron came for a visit today.

TL and I decided if our IUIs didn't result in a positive pregnancy test this cycle, we would take a month break from baby making.  We need a month to crawl out of the hole of debt we have dug ourselves in these past couple of months.

I saw this on Pinterest today.

A lot of days I feel like this.  

Today, I am going to try to be positive. 

Bright Sides of Taking a Month Break:

• I don't have to worry about scheduling appointments and how it will interfere with my work schedule.
• I am not going to take my temperature for a whole month.  I know.  I am such a rebel.
• I can have a beer, a glass of wine, a margarita, or a Texas Martini. Or two.  Or three.
• I can really focus on dieting again.  While dieting isn't fun, it would be nice to lose another 10 pounds.
• I can run again!!!!  I never thought I would say this, but I've missed running so much!

PS-I really wanted to call this post Fuck Third Time's the Charm but felt that it didn't exactly go with my whole trying to be positive vibe.  The sentiment is there, though.

When Reality Slaps You Across The Face

When I was 21 months old, I slipped between the sofa cushions while standing on the couch, fell forward and hit my head on the coffee table.  Apparently, I was a bloody mess(I still have the scar to prove it).  My dad said that my mom went crazy and was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.  He said that he had no choice but to slap her across the face to bring her back to reality.  

This morning  I woke to my "take your temperature" alarm and sleepily popped the thermometer in my mouth like I do every day.  But, today, reality slapped me across the face when I read the temperature. 

96.8 degrees.  A significant drop.

Past experience has taught me that when my temperature drops the Bloody Baron will be here to visit me within the next couple of days.

Back to life.  Back to reality.

Living in a Fantasy World

This month I have had a love/hate relationship with the period known as the "two week wait".  On the one hand I hate the unknown and I feel so out of control.  

But, on the other hand, the unknown allows me to live in a fantasy world.  In my mind I can imagine myself pregnant, announcing it, hearing the heartbeat, decorating a nursery, being showered by friends and family, and bringing home a baby.  

It can be so real in my mind.  

As soon as I take that test my fantasy world can quickly disappear with a negative result.  All of the hopes and dreams for that month get thrown in the trash with that test.

I am not ready to face reality.  I would like to continue to believe that my swollen and sore boobies, elevated temperature, and super sniffer are all indications that this will be the month and are not, in actuality, symptoms that I have imagined in my mind.

I am set to test this Friday.  I don't think I am going to.  I think I would like to stay in this fantasy world a little bit longer.

Spin The Emotion Wheel

Let’s play a game.

I am going to put a bunch of different emotions on a wheel.  Happiness.  Sadness. Jealousy. Anger. Guilt. Worry. Hope. Now let’s spin it and see how you feel.  Then, we’ll spin it again, just for kicks.  And, again, because the object of the game is to see how many emotions we can give you before you break.

Oh, wait.  This isn’t a game.

It. Is. My. Life.

One of my really good friends and her husband asked to have dinner with TL and I this weekend because we hadn’t seen each other in a while.  We planned to go to Chuys and I was really looking forward to chowing down on some chips while catching up.

I was in the shower before dinner when I got this overwhelming feeling that the reason they wanted to have dinner was to tell us that they were pregnant.  Call it my spidey sense.

Spin number one. Worry.  If this is true, can I react in an appropriate way?

We get to the restaurant and sure enough, they are expecting. 

It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.  I tried to hold back tears as the game wheel spun back and forth from happiness to sadness. 

I am so happy for them that they are going to be blessed with a baby.  I am so happy for them that they didn’t have to endure the pain of waiting months to conceive.  I am so happy that I have such a good friend who is considerate enough to plan a dinner to tell us in person because she knows it is a sensitive situation.

But, I also felt very sad. 

Really, all I wanted to do was leave the booth and hide in a bathroom stall and cry.  I almost did.  I almost asked if I could excuse myself.  Instead, I took a couple big gulps of water, put on a smile, and survived the rest of the night without a breakdown.

Today is a new day.  And, today I feel angry. I feel angry with God.  I don’t understand why TL and I were chosen to carry this burden and it makes me angry. 

I hate feeling angry with God.  I feel guilty (yet another spin) for this anger.

I am off to church this morning.  I pray that I can let go of this anger and rewrite my emotion wheel so that it is filled with happiness and hope.

Here’s to hoping.