Spin The Emotion Wheel

Let’s play a game.

I am going to put a bunch of different emotions on a wheel.  Happiness.  Sadness. Jealousy. Anger. Guilt. Worry. Hope. Now let’s spin it and see how you feel.  Then, we’ll spin it again, just for kicks.  And, again, because the object of the game is to see how many emotions we can give you before you break.

Oh, wait.  This isn’t a game.

It. Is. My. Life.

One of my really good friends and her husband asked to have dinner with TL and I this weekend because we hadn’t seen each other in a while.  We planned to go to Chuys and I was really looking forward to chowing down on some chips while catching up.

I was in the shower before dinner when I got this overwhelming feeling that the reason they wanted to have dinner was to tell us that they were pregnant.  Call it my spidey sense.

Spin number one. Worry.  If this is true, can I react in an appropriate way?

We get to the restaurant and sure enough, they are expecting. 

It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.  I tried to hold back tears as the game wheel spun back and forth from happiness to sadness. 

I am so happy for them that they are going to be blessed with a baby.  I am so happy for them that they didn’t have to endure the pain of waiting months to conceive.  I am so happy that I have such a good friend who is considerate enough to plan a dinner to tell us in person because she knows it is a sensitive situation.

But, I also felt very sad. 

Really, all I wanted to do was leave the booth and hide in a bathroom stall and cry.  I almost did.  I almost asked if I could excuse myself.  Instead, I took a couple big gulps of water, put on a smile, and survived the rest of the night without a breakdown.

Today is a new day.  And, today I feel angry. I feel angry with God.  I don’t understand why TL and I were chosen to carry this burden and it makes me angry. 

I hate feeling angry with God.  I feel guilty (yet another spin) for this anger.

I am off to church this morning.  I pray that I can let go of this anger and rewrite my emotion wheel so that it is filled with happiness and hope.

Here’s to hoping.