Hey! Wait Up!

I was running on the trail Tuesday.  I felt like I had a good pace going and was in the zone, when a little girl, who couldn't have been older than 7 or 8, zoomed past me.  As I watched her little legs speed ahead of me, I actually thought 'Hey! Wait up! Don't leave me here in the dust!'


And, then, it hit me.


It was like my life metaphor was played right before my eyes.


Here I am trucking along on the trail of life, while everyone else is zooming past me starting families of their own.


Every one keeps telling me, 'But, you're so young.  You still have time.'  


Yet, I kid you not, my facebook newsfeed is filled with baby story after baby story.


How come I am so young?  And, their time is now.


It doesn't really seem fair.


So, I am going to need all of the hares out there to stop and take their nap now, because this little tortoise needs a chance to catch up.

Like Pickle Juice On A Cookie

I was in the library with my class on Friday perusing the Bluebonnet book section and came across this book.

I opened to the first page and read:

Chapter One

I had a bad August.

A very bad August.

As bad as pickle juice on a cookie.

As bad as a spiderweb on your leg.

As bad as the black parts of a banana.

I hope your August was better.

I really do.

I often think authors were thinking of me while penning their masterpieces and this time was no different. I could have written those words, except mine would have said:

I have had a bad September.

A very bad September.

As bad as turning on your car in the morning to an empty gas tank.

As bad as stubbing your toe on a stool.

As bad as realizing your recorded show is a rerun.

I hope your September has been better.

I really do. 

The thing that makes me sad is that I feel like this is becoming a theme for my life.  

I used to think of myself as an optimistic, cheery individual.  I am having a hard time finding that Katie.  

I now feel jaded and defeated.

The other day one of my friends told me about a church sermon that made her think of TL and I.  She said it was about how God gives us hard times to test us and that in the end we will be rewarded for passing the test.  She said that she believes we must have a big reward coming because we have been through so much lately.

I am glad she is so optimistic.

The new, pessimistic me thought, 'I must be failing that test.'

I need a happy intervention.

Like Pickle Juice On A Cookie has a happy ending.

I hope my September does.

I really do.

What do you do when you are struggling to look on the bright side?  How do you turn it around?

Also, it was kind of fun coming up with my "as bad as".  What would yours be?

Every Damn Day.

On November 1, 2011 I started my very first 21 day challenge.  Prior to the challenge, I was frustrated with months of not getting pregnant and started to wonder if my weight had anything to do with it.  I knew my obsessive personality needed something other than getting pregnant to obsess about.  Losing weight seemed like a healthy alternative.

I had read somewhere that it takes 21 days to make/break a habit and, so, the 21 day challenge was born.

21 days of working out every day for at least 30 minutes.
21 days of tracking every SINGLE thing that I put in my mouth.
21 days of no alcohol or soda.

Surprise. Surprise.  It worked.

In 21 days, I lost 6 pounds. 6 pounds that jump started my weight loss and motivation.

I also made healthy habits.  

For six months, I continued to work out at least 5-6 days a week. I even trained for and ran a 10 mile race.  For six months, I continued to track what I ate.  While I did reintroduce alcohol, I didn't over-indulge and I would ALWAYS track it.

By April 2012, I was down 20 pounds total.  

But, then, something else happened in April.

I called to make my first infertility appointment.

Over the course of the past 5 months, my habits have been broken.

After my IUIs I was so scared to run because of cramping, that I eventually just stopped.  Unfortunately, I never really picked it back up after the two week waits were over.

Visits from the Bloody Baron would result in comforting food and beer and wine.  Hi, my name is Katie, and I am an emotional eater.

I now have 3-5 pounds (depending on the day) to show for it and I can barely run 3 miles.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow I will start a new 21 day challenge.

Raise your water glass to healthy habit making. 

Cheers!

Are You There God? It's Me, Katie.

I am having a hard time having faith in God's greater plan this week.

It feels like TL and I can't catch a break.

The week started out with TL and I having a conversation about what our next steps will be with our baby making.  Our month long break is coming to an end and I can feel the anxiety creeping back in.  When I think about scheduling doctor's appointments, my stomach churns.  TL must be feeling the same way because he finally confessed that sometimes he wonders if we should take a longer break from the doctors to see if we can get pregnant again naturally.

This scares me.

I am not ready to give up.

I am not ready to wait/waste years for the possibility of getting pregnant.

I want to be pregnant now.  Is that so wrong?

One of the main reasons we took a break this past month was financial.  We were not financially prepared for infertility.

We needed this month to catch up.

Little did we know our poor Sweet Pea would become incredibly ill.

On Tuesday, Tyler took Sweet Pea to the vet after days of being lethargic and not acting herself.  We thought it was another bout of her immune mediated poly-arthritis, which is why we didn't take her sooner.  The vet diagnosed her with immune mediated hemolytic anemia.  Basically, her immune system has been attacking her red blood cells.  Her red blood cell count was at 6% (normal is 35%).  They told us that if she didn't have a blood transfusion that night, she would die.

$1200 and three blood transfusions later, we are in a waiting game to see if the medicine will stop her immune system from attacking her blood.

Every morning we take her to get her levels checked.

Every morning we prepare ourselves that this could be our last day with her.

So, I ask, are you there God?

Because I am really starting to wonder.

WE WERE ON A BREAK!

I know, Ross.  I know.

Here's the thing I'm figuring out...you can never really be "on a break" when it comes to infertility.

Yes, you can take a break from the doctor's appointments and the temperature taking, but, the yearning and the hope that this will be the month doesn't go away just because you are calling this month "a break".  

Sad to say.

I realized this fact yesterday when I caught myself counting out my cycle days.  I was actually trying to figure out when I could potentially be ovulating.  

Why would I do this to myself whilst on a break?  Call me a glutton for punishment. 

I know there is such a slim chance we'll get pregnant naturally, but I still find myself secretly wishing we will be surprised with a late period this month.  I mean heck, it happened before.  It could happen again.  Right?  

After all, every one says that when you stop thinking about it and stop "trying" is when you get pregnant.

So, I will continue to live in denial that I am "on a break" and continue to tell myself  we are not "trying".  Because, frankly, denial is a hell of a drug and I'm Rick James, Bitch!

JK.  I couldn't resist.

Looking On the Bright Side

The Bloody Baron came for a visit today.

TL and I decided if our IUIs didn't result in a positive pregnancy test this cycle, we would take a month break from baby making.  We need a month to crawl out of the hole of debt we have dug ourselves in these past couple of months.

I saw this on Pinterest today.

A lot of days I feel like this.  

Today, I am going to try to be positive. 

Bright Sides of Taking a Month Break:

• I don't have to worry about scheduling appointments and how it will interfere with my work schedule.
• I am not going to take my temperature for a whole month.  I know.  I am such a rebel.
• I can have a beer, a glass of wine, a margarita, or a Texas Martini. Or two.  Or three.
• I can really focus on dieting again.  While dieting isn't fun, it would be nice to lose another 10 pounds.
• I can run again!!!!  I never thought I would say this, but I've missed running so much!

PS-I really wanted to call this post Fuck Third Time's the Charm but felt that it didn't exactly go with my whole trying to be positive vibe.  The sentiment is there, though.

When Reality Slaps You Across The Face

When I was 21 months old, I slipped between the sofa cushions while standing on the couch, fell forward and hit my head on the coffee table.  Apparently, I was a bloody mess(I still have the scar to prove it).  My dad said that my mom went crazy and was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.  He said that he had no choice but to slap her across the face to bring her back to reality.  

This morning  I woke to my "take your temperature" alarm and sleepily popped the thermometer in my mouth like I do every day.  But, today, reality slapped me across the face when I read the temperature. 

96.8 degrees.  A significant drop.

Past experience has taught me that when my temperature drops the Bloody Baron will be here to visit me within the next couple of days.

Back to life.  Back to reality.

Living in a Fantasy World

This month I have had a love/hate relationship with the period known as the "two week wait".  On the one hand I hate the unknown and I feel so out of control.  

But, on the other hand, the unknown allows me to live in a fantasy world.  In my mind I can imagine myself pregnant, announcing it, hearing the heartbeat, decorating a nursery, being showered by friends and family, and bringing home a baby.  

It can be so real in my mind.  

As soon as I take that test my fantasy world can quickly disappear with a negative result.  All of the hopes and dreams for that month get thrown in the trash with that test.

I am not ready to face reality.  I would like to continue to believe that my swollen and sore boobies, elevated temperature, and super sniffer are all indications that this will be the month and are not, in actuality, symptoms that I have imagined in my mind.

I am set to test this Friday.  I don't think I am going to.  I think I would like to stay in this fantasy world a little bit longer.

Spin The Emotion Wheel

Let’s play a game.

I am going to put a bunch of different emotions on a wheel.  Happiness.  Sadness. Jealousy. Anger. Guilt. Worry. Hope. Now let’s spin it and see how you feel.  Then, we’ll spin it again, just for kicks.  And, again, because the object of the game is to see how many emotions we can give you before you break.

Oh, wait.  This isn’t a game.

It. Is. My. Life.

One of my really good friends and her husband asked to have dinner with TL and I this weekend because we hadn’t seen each other in a while.  We planned to go to Chuys and I was really looking forward to chowing down on some chips while catching up.

I was in the shower before dinner when I got this overwhelming feeling that the reason they wanted to have dinner was to tell us that they were pregnant.  Call it my spidey sense.

Spin number one. Worry.  If this is true, can I react in an appropriate way?

We get to the restaurant and sure enough, they are expecting. 

It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.  I tried to hold back tears as the game wheel spun back and forth from happiness to sadness. 

I am so happy for them that they are going to be blessed with a baby.  I am so happy for them that they didn’t have to endure the pain of waiting months to conceive.  I am so happy that I have such a good friend who is considerate enough to plan a dinner to tell us in person because she knows it is a sensitive situation.

But, I also felt very sad. 

Really, all I wanted to do was leave the booth and hide in a bathroom stall and cry.  I almost did.  I almost asked if I could excuse myself.  Instead, I took a couple big gulps of water, put on a smile, and survived the rest of the night without a breakdown.

Today is a new day.  And, today I feel angry. I feel angry with God.  I don’t understand why TL and I were chosen to carry this burden and it makes me angry. 

I hate feeling angry with God.  I feel guilty (yet another spin) for this anger.

I am off to church this morning.  I pray that I can let go of this anger and rewrite my emotion wheel so that it is filled with happiness and hope.

Here’s to hoping.

Cheating and It Feels So Good

It's official.

I am cheating on Dr. B.

This morning I had an appointment at a different fertility specialist's office…

 and…

 I loved it!

Since it was my first visit with Nurse Practitioner J (Dr. S didn't have an appointment until September so I met with the nurse practitioner today), I had to answer a lot of questions and tell her all about my infertility history. After all of the questions were answered and all of the history had been shared, she asked me if I was feeling pretty frustrated.  I tried to form the words to say yes. But instead my lips started to quiver, and my eyes filled with tears. And, before I knew it, I was crying right in front of her.

On my first visit.

I immediately and repeatedly apologized.

She handed me a box of tissues and told me not to apologize. That everyone struggling with infertility should have at least one meltdown.  If not, they just don’t want it bad enough.   I guess I am good because I don’t know if I could count my meltdowns at this point.

With flutters of hope in my heart, that finally, someone understands, I proceeded to tell her about my appointment with Dr. B.  The one when she issued my infertility prison sentence of a year and half.   I told NPJ that the first thing I did after leaving Dr. B’s office that day was call to get an appointment with her.  

NPJ assured me that it would NOT take a year and a half to get me pregnant.

Praise God! Praise God for encouragement. Praise God for positive energy.

Here is NPJ’s suggested plan of action. Do three rounds of IUIs while taking femara.  If within 3 rounds, I am not pregnant, then have a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.

I like her plan of action! Consider this my new plan of action!

After sharing her proposed plan of action, she asked if I’ve had any ovulation monitoring ultrasounds done. I wanted to say, “Why, yes.  I am becoming quite the stirrup slut.”  Instead, I laughed and said that I’ve already had two this week.

NPJ responded, “Well, let’s do one just for kicks.”

I am so glad we did because yesterday it looked like this might not be a good month for IUIs because my follicle was only measuring at 16 mm.  But, when NPJ moved over to my right ovary she exclaimed, “Hello big follicle!  Have you been cramping because you are about to drop an egg?!”

So, with my follicle at 20.1 mm and my lining at 9mm, I will administer the trigger shot tonight and do the IUIs already scheduled for Friday and Saturday morning with Dr. B. It looks like the timing is perfect.  

Then it is so long to Dr. B.  I wish I could say it has been fun...but...well, that would be a lie.  

And, cheating and lying in one day… that is just too much.

Sorry I'm Not Sorry

Please Don't...

Sometimes I wish I had a brochure that I could give to people to read before they talk to me about my infertility.  I know people mean well but there are certain things that should NOT be said. At least not to me.  

Please don't...

Tell me that I am young and have time to have kids.

Yes, I am 27.  TL and I have been married for 3 1/2 years.  We own a house.  We both have good jobs.    I would say that it is a perfectly appropriate time in our lives to want children.  And, being young doesn't change the fact that we have wanted a baby for over a year now.

Ask, "If it doesn't work, are you going to adopt?"

If it doesn't work?  

If. It. Doesn't. Work. 

Thank you for verbalizing my biggest fear.

Tell me about your friend, cousin, sister in law that did IVFs, IUIs, etc. and never got pregnant.

Honestly, are you on drugs?  Do you think I want to hear this?

And, please, for the love of God...

Do NOT tell me to relax and try not to think about it.

How am I supposed to not think about it when I have to wake up at 6:35 every morning to take my temperature?

How am I supposed to not think about it when I have three doctor's appointments in one week to check follicle size?

How am I supposed to not think about it when I have my legs up in stirrups and they are inseminating TL's sperm through a catheter?

How am I supposed to not think about it when I have to take a progesterone supplement three times a day?

How am I supposed to not think about it when every time I go to the bathroom I am worried what I might see?

How am I supposed to not think about it when a negative pregnancy test only means that I have to do this all over again?

Please hug me.  

Please tell me that you are sorry.

Please tell me that you will pray for me.

Letter From Management

Dear Left Ovary,
It has been brought to our attention that you have been slacking on the job.  According to our records it was your turn to ovulate this month.  And, yet, you have no follicles to show.


Right Ovary did her job last month.  She produced a big ole follicle.  This month it was your responsibility.  


Right Ovary is trying to pick up your slack.  But, 14 mm just won't cut it.


We would appreciate you doing better in the future.


Sincerely,
Baby Making Management

Kicking and Screaming

Dr. B came into our appointment today and said that she wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

"I just want you to prepare yourself that this could take about a year and a half," she said.

I just stared at her. 

I don't want to be on that page.

Come to think of it, I don't want to be in this book.

A year and a half.

A year and a half.

I don't think I can do this for a year and a half.

I don't think I can handle the ultrasounds, IUIs, progesterone pill popping, lab visits, early morning temperature taking, credit card swipes,  two week waits, and the "So...how are you doing?" conversations for a year and a half.

I will do it. 

I will. But, I want it to be known that I am going kicking and screaming down this year and a half tunnel.

I hope and pray that I come out of it sane and with a baby in my arms.  

Until then, the kicking and screaming shall commence.

Dust Yourself Off and Try Again

Need I say more?

Thank You Nana

The people we have loved and lost have ways to let us know they are with us.  One of the ways my Nana lets me know is with butterflies. 


In the waiting room today, as I was praying, I ended by asking my Nana to be there with me during the procedure.


When I walked into the exam room, TL exclaimed, "Look at the ceiling."


I looked up and this is what I saw.

I know she was there.

Big Girls Do Cry

I wish I had a stronger pain tolerance.  I really do.

My doctor says that some women are “blessed” with more nerve endings, which can make procedures like IUI more painful.  I am not quite sure blessed is the appropriate word.

Today was terrible. TERRIBLE!

I should have known when the minutes in the waiting room turned into an hour and a half that it was not going to be the smooth and easy procedure I had hoped and prayed for.

Unfortunately, Dr. B was out of town so we had to have a substitute doctor.  She came in, introduced herself, and apologized for the wait.  She explained that she does things a little different than Dr. B and that she would not be leaving the speculum in for 15 minutes after because she believes that it is just painful and there is no reason for it to be there.  I agreed that the less pain, the better.

She inserted the speculum and said, “Oh, your cervix is very narrow. I am going to have to get something to hold it in place.” Great!

She begins to fish around for my cervix (at least that’s what it felt like), while telling me to take deep breaths.  Not easy to do when you are on edge and in pain.

Then the catheter insertion began….

PAIN.

INTENSE PAIN.

I squeezed on to Tyler’s hand and tried to hold back the tears.

It wasn’t over.

In the middle of me trying to get through the pain. POP!

I am not quite sure what happened.  I don’t know if the doctor even knows.  All we know is that the pop resulted in sperm squirting in the doctor’s face.  Am I secretly on some reality show that I am not aware of?  SERIOUSLY?

So, on top of the fact that TL’s sperm count was the lowest it has been so far, only half of it made it in.

The doctor left me in pain, bleeding, and defeated so she could go wash her face.

And then the tears started. 

I couldn’t help it.  The weight of everything came crashing down.

Why does it have to be this complicated?  Why does it have to hurt this bad?  Making the baby is supposed to be the fun part.  The labor is supposed to be the painful, hard part, which results in a beautiful baby. Why can’t I just be normal and get pregnant like a normal person?

I cried and TL held my hand.

Finally TL handed me a tissue to wipe my tears and gave me a good dose of comic relief exclaiming, “I have never squirted in a girl’s face before.”

I love him.

And So The Blogging Journey Begins

Thanks to some MKV inspiration, I have decided to start a blog chronicling the roller coaster ride that is infertility.   

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now after I miscarried our first pregnancy.  At the year mark of the miscarriage, we decided it was time to visit a fertility specialist where we discovered that I have low progesterone and cervical mucus that creates a hostile living environment for sperm.  

Awesome.  

We did our first round of IUI last month, which was unsuccessful.  

During the two week wait, I literally felt like I was trapped in my own mind.  

I felt crazier than normal (and on a normal day I am pretty crazy).  My mom reminded me that our friend MKV had started a blog as a place to put all of her crazy thoughts during her struggle with infertility.  

It sounded great for the release, 

and as a way to keep people updated without the emotional strain of having to repeat the news 

over 

and over 

again.

And, so, it begins... (again)...

I had my ultrasound this morning to check follicle size in preparation for our second round of IUIs.   Usually the ultrasound tech talks aloud and tells me what she is doing and says things like, "this one is measuring at 11" or "you have quite a few follicles on this ovary".  Today I had a new ultrasound tech and she didn't say anything.  My crazy thoughts started to kick in.  Is something wrong?  I didn't see any follicles... do I even have any?  Fortunately, the nurse came in and said, "Good news, you have a big ole follicle!"  So, I have a "big ole" follicle measuring at 21 mm which is huge compared to last month's 12 mm and 13 mm follicles.  Dr. B is also really pleased with my lining which is 8 compared to last month's 4.  The nurse gave me the HCG trigger shot today and we will do the IUI tomorrow and Wednesday morning.  

I have a really great feeling about this month.

 I am Calling All Angels.  

Calling all angels to help me survive the emotional roller coaster.  

Calling all angels to help me keep my faith.  

Calling all angels to bless us with a baby.